Taking the rough with the smooth

One day, my father and I were looking at the clouds after some heavy rain.  He pointed at one of the clouds and said to me “that cloud has a bright silver edge”.  I quickly replied “every cloud has one”, but then I wondered if the old saying “every cloud has a silver lining” was really true.

I amused myself by examining it literally.  Apparently, some clouds have silver lining, some have golden lining.  But some don't seem to have any, especially at night.

In life there are pleasant things that we call good and the unpleasant we could call bad.  But how do we take the rough with the smooth?

I would like to share with you some ways of accepting the unpleasant aspects of life as well as the good.  I will compare three methods of doing so.  The first one is to satisfy your own needs.  The second one is to find explanation for the causes of unpleasant things.  But the method I find the most useful and powerful is to look for the purpose and see how unpleasant things can result in good things.

Unpleasant things can make us sad and stressed.  To avoid burn out, it is necessary to satisfy our physical, psychological and spiritual needs.  Apart from the very basic physical needs like food, clothing and shelter, we should also take care of our mental health.  According to the Mental Health Foundation's Five Ways to Wellbeing, to stay mentally healthy we need to: 1) connect with the people around us, 2) give by doing something nice for others, 3) take notice of the world around us to appreciate what matters to us, 4) challenge ourselves by learning new things and seeking out new experiences, and 5) do what you enjoy and be active.  The most direct way of coping is doing what brings happiness.  Do a few simple things that makes you happy, for example consuming chocolate, coffee and cake, and hobbies like sports, swimming, skydiving, shopping and spending time with loved ones.

But that's not all.  We want to know why.  As humans, we ask why unpleasant things happen more than why good things happen.  Throughout human history, we have spent thousands of years to explain the causes of suffering through religion, philosophy and science.  Some believe in Karma – that good and bad things are the result of good and bad deeds respectively.  Some believe things do happen for no reason – it's just luck.  Some believe we can still be happy if we have a clear conscience that the suffering is not caused by our own fault.  Scientists have found the causes of various illnesses, which paves the way for finding cures.  Sociologists have identified causes of poverty.  Psychologists have also found that negative thinking contribute to the perception of pain.

However, I'm still not satisfied with just the above explanations.  Most of the time, you need to take action before the good results.  The purpose becomes clearer when you actively seek it with positive thinking and actions.  Tough times test us to reveal our strengths and weaknesses, which help us find our ways.  When you think more positively, you'll realise that things are better than you have thought.  Tough times teach us compassion, which enables us to help and support others going through similar situations.

Purpose is more important than the cause.  Let’s not focus on the past cause, but look at the future effects.  There is a purpose for things that are considered bad like a disability.

In this imperfect world, there's pleasure and there's pain.  If you don't see a silver lining, perhaps there's a golden one.  And if you still don't see any, wait for the morning after.  In every bad situation there is an element of good.

#MyBeautifulStruggle

Happy New Year!  Long time no blog.  So let me come back with a vengeance.  A few months ago, I did a speech titled #MyBeautifulStruggle at my Toastmasters club.  I skipped parts of what I had prepared because I couldn’t fit it all in within the time allocated.  To fulfil my promise to some of my friends, I’m putting the full version here along with the references.  Sorry to keep you waiting.  Life’s been hectic these few months as I’ve been spending so much time on finding and settling in my new home.

Here we go:

Recently I stumbled across an article about a 25 years old makeup artist called Jordan Bone.  She does beauty tutorials on YouTube.  Some viewers asked her “What’s wrong with your hands?”  So she published a video titled “My Beautiful Struggle” to educate her viewers.

Jordan broke her neck in a car accident when she was 15.  She can’t open or close her hands, so she uses her mouth and arms to put on her makeup.  She practised and practised until every lash was covered in mascara, even if half of it was down her face, but she eventually found her way to do her makeup and even teach others through her YouTube channel.  She said it’s a miracle for her.

Jordan has been raising road safety awareness and has become a motivational speaker.   She encourages her viewers to share the challenges they've faced in their lives and how they've overcome them using the hashtag #MyBeautifulStruggle.

You may be surprised that story is the introduction.  I never said I was beautiful and I don’t use makeup.  In fact, I will talk about my beautiful struggle, along with the good, bad and ugly.  I struggled for years before I could talk about DMD in the public for the first time last month.  My previous blog post was like an encyclopaedia entry.  Now I will get further out of my comfort zone to tell you how I cope with my challenges.

What’s my ammunition against this awful ailment?  Is it the medical treatment?  Is it the research in finding a cure?  For me, the main thing is positive attitude.  For every challenge, there’s a way to get through.

When I was little, I struggled to run so I went slower.  I struggled to climb stairs so I pulled myself up the rails.  I struggled to walk without falling so I started to use a wheelchair.

In my teens, my arms got weaker so I got a power chair.  I was not sporty but I was brainy so I became a nerd.  I gradually lost the ability to use the computer keyboard so I started to use the mouse instead.

When I became an adult, I just wanted to be normal.  I wanted to study fulltime at university, have a girlfriend and make money, just like the majority of my friends.  I did study full-time for 2½ years before winding down to part-time; I didn’t have enough time for friends or a girlfriend; but I did get into an internship in an IT company that offered me a scholarship.  Researchers found a cure for the mouse model of DMD, so I just assumed I would be cured in a few years and get my life back, as if the world owed me.  I thought I could just study and work hard, and then I would get everything I wanted.  I pushed myself over the limit.  I became angry when I didn’t get the miracle I expected.

After graduating from uni, I tried to make heaps of money as a means to get a normal life.  I believed money could buy happiness and love.  I worshipped the wrong thing.  I was a fool.  Fortunately, my currency trading failed because I was too eager to win.  It taught me that money is not everything.

Now I’ve accepted that I’m not “normal”.  Who’s normal anyway?   We are all different.  My body has not been healed yet, but my soul has.

This is not a perfect world.  Going through tough times is just part of the human condition.  Friedrich Nietzsche said “To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.”  However, suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame.  Adversity has taught me humility, empathy and positivity.

This quote from Michael J. Fox makes so much sense: “Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it.”

I’m not inspired by movie stars just for their wealth and fame.  I’m inspired by people who don’t give up, those who give their best shot at getting through challenges, and even helping others in need.    I admire people who stay true to themselves, getting further and further out of their comfort zone.

Positive attitude is not wishful thinking.  It’s not assuming we’ll always get what we want.  It’s true happiness from within, whether you’re in riches or in poverty, in sickness or in health.  Even if you can’t get out of a sticky situation, you can overcome by getting through.  Even if you have a broken body, you can still have spiritual supremacy over sickness.  Even if it’s hard to be brave, don't sell your soul to the safe surroundings.

I hope you like the sense of humour in this speech.  Yeah, I was trying to make you feel good, like how I enjoy being inspired and entertained when I listen to my fellow club members’ speeches.

I wish you a happy and successful 2016!  May you have faith and hope every time you climb a mountain.